Tasha's Story
I Wanted to Feel Needed
by Tasha
All my life I have hidden the things I do not want people to see. There are so many memories that I have become numb to because the reality of them exposes the anguish and pain I have experienced.
When you look at my outer appearance, you may have the misconception that I have it all together. Let me tell you, looks are deceiving. If we went back just a couple of years ago and I exposed my heart to you, you would see a girl longing for unconditional love despite the many times she was cheated on, mentality abused and even making the difficult decision to have an abortion.
I became sexually active at a very young age. Although I didn’t have sexual intercourse until my junior year in high school, I still consider fooling around or oral sex, sex. No matter how you view it, sex is still part of the phrase. I was dating the high school’s star quarterback, so of course I thought I was cool. But behind the façade, I was miserable and unsatisfied. It was never a great relationship. I should have known when he cheated on me the first night we started to date. But I was too insecure and naive to realize I was worth more than how he treated me.
I will never forget the time I heard someone say, “We are born crying for love, and die wishing we had more of it.” That is so true. It does not matter who you are-- girl, boy, man or woman-- in this world we long for true, lasting love. I wanted this guy to gratify the emptiness in my heart. Why? Because I wanted to feel needed. I wanted that comfort of belonging to someone. and most of all I wanted true love.
Deciding to have sex results in various consequences. The consequences I had will be rooted in my heart and mind for the rest of my life. When my ex-boyfriend and I decided that we were “responsible” enough to have sex, we did not think before we acted on our emotions. And because of that I had to make the most grueling decision of my life. And that was to have an abortion at age 19, as a senior in high school. I made this decision based on my selfishness. Not once did I think about the life that didn’t have the choice of choosing me. I chose to end an innocent life because I thought it would make things better. The sad thing is I didn’t even want to have sex, but I lowered my standards because I was afraid he would leave me if I didn’t. I did not benefit from lowering my standards because he cheated on me countless times, abused me mentally, and never came back into my life after the abortion.
You‘d think I would have learned after this. I didn’t. I still went and slept around hoping maybe this guy would be different and love me the way I longed to be loved. But each one ended, leaving me even emptier than when I arrived.
Now I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m not saying sex is a bad thing. It’s not. It’s the most powerful encounter two people will ever experience. When sex is done casually and selfishly, consequences such as pregnancy and STDs occur. Why risk something so powerful just because your emotions tell you to? Just because something feels right doesn’t always make it right. Eventually I learned that truth too.
It wasn’t until 2 years ago that I began to examine my life and have decided to remain abstinent until I am married. I couldn’t handle giving my body and my emotions away, only to be used and thrown to the side. I had to climb up that huge hill again and rebuild a new foundation for not only myself, but for my future husband. That’s the good news. It’s never too late to start rebuilding. It’s hard tearing everything down, but it’s so worth it. I think the hardest part for me was that, just recently, I confessed to my parents and the rest of my family that I had an abortion and revealed that I kept it from them for 5 ½ years. Although it was hard, I feel almost free. The reason I say almost is because I will be starting to deal with my baggage. I have become numb to a lot of my emotions because I blocked everything out for so long.
I’m not telling you this story to scare you out of having sex, I’m confessing this to you so that you don’t make the same mistakes I made. You may not realize it now, but as young women, our bodies are worth more than just sex. We are worth more than just sex. If no one has ever told you that, I’m telling you right now, that you are worth waiting for. Don’t fall into the lies I fell into. Keep your standard high and build a strong foundation you can be proud of. For me, to be able to tell you my story not only makes you aware of the reality of how powerfully a sexual experience can affect your life, it also brings healing in my own heart. My hope is that none of you will ever experience what I have. If you have, know that it’s never too late to rebuild. You are still worth more than you know!