Parent FAQ

Welcome to a question and answer session with Vincent Calloway, MSS, LSW. Mr. Calloway is on staff at Amnion and is also a marriage and family therapist in Philadelphia, PA. He and his wife have raised 6 daughters. Vince counsels men, couples and families at Amnion.

Q: How old should my teen be before I allow them to get into a romantic relationship?

A: Parents must think through their convictions ahead of time so they can clearly explain them to their teens-- because peers and the culture will challenge these convictions. If your teen consistently demonstrates the ability to make decisions where they do what they know is right, in spite of how they feel, then they are demonstrating the emotional maturity and impulse control necessary to get into this type of relationship. This has little to do with chronological age because many “adults” lack this maturity. Don’t make the mistake of giving your teen too much autonomy too soon.

Q: How can I influence my teen when they are not going to listen to me anyway?

A: First, change your thinking. Don’t assume that your teen won’t listen to you. Current research says that this generation is more receptive to their parents than ever…if the parents have something to offer.

Q: How can I get my teen to listen to me?

A: (1) Build a relationship with your teen. You must take the time to do this. Stop being so busy and preoccupied doing good things; (2) Establish that you are the parent first, not the friend; (3) Listen to their thoughts and feelings without interrupting and commenting; repeat back what you are hearing to make sure you got the message right; (4) Catch them doing things right rather than just when they are doing things wrong; (5) Model the behavior you want them to have; (6) Promptly admit when you are wrong; (7) Have fun and laugh at yourself. This usually opens them up when it is time for you to give your valuable input.

Q: I notice that my teen spends a lot of time on the computer. Should I be concerned?

A: Yes. Even though more education is being done via the Internet, kids are also developing relationships with others through chat rooms, MySpace, FaceBook and looking at things through YouTube; they are also exposed to pornography. Don’t be naïve. Monitor their computer activity. Invest in a filter program.

Q: Is it an invasion of privacy to go into my teen’s room and look through their personal items?

A: Under normal circumstances you wouldn’t want to pillage through your child’s personal items. But if you have “reasonable cause,” then do what you have to do. Unless they are paying rent and utilities they don’t own anything in your house. Businesses will even “invade the privacy” of their workers and do drug testing for reasonable cause. Look at it this way: since the government makes you responsible for this child, and this child is dependent on you for food, clothing and shelter…need I say more?

Q: What if my teen gets upset with me and tells me, “You don’t trust me!”?

A: That’s probably a line that most of us used when we tried to turn the tables around on our parents and put them in the hot seat, when we were the ones in the hot seat. Don’t fall for it. Teach your teen that trust is not a given right but must be earned by being trustworthy. If they ever show evidence (always give them the evidence) of not being trustworthy, then they can’t be trusted. Teach them how they can earn it back.

Q: My teen does not want to go to church with me nor do they want to go to youth group. Should I force them?

A: Ask them why they don’t want to go; they might have some legitimate reasons, like: "there are people there that are hypocrites." Address their concerns honestly and then teach them they are not responsible for what others do or don’t do. Then ask yourself, would you let your child decide whether or not they are going to school because of the hypocrites there? These decisions are parental decisions.

Q: Isn’t it my teen’s right to pick their own friends? Do I have a right to interfere in their friendships if I have concerns?

A: Be careful with this one. You must first have a good relationship with your teen to make this work. Children, for the most part, do want to please their parents. However, adolescence is the most peer-dependent time in a person’s life. Children at this age don’t know what they don’t know-- but think they know. You have to understand that you do have a right to monitor your teen’s friends. If you are confident of this and don’t waver, they will get the message. Most children wish they had parents that cared enough to get involved.

Q: When should I talk to my child about sex?

A: When they are old enough to understand language. Start with teaching them the difference between good touch and bad touch. Always talk to them on their level and use age-appropriate resources. Tell them the truth, don’t tell them fairy tales about this. Let them know early that they will always get “the straight scoop” from their parents. This will offset the garbage they are getting on the streets and through the media.

Q: What should I do if I suspect (or hear rumors that) my child is sexually active?

A: A parent must approach their child and ask the question directly. The problem usually is 1) the parent doesn't have a strong enough connection with the child (this could be due to being too busy) or 2) the parent doesn't feel comfortable discussing issues of sexuality with anyone, let alone their child. Nonetheless, it is vital that the parents pursue this with their child, even if it occurs in the presence of a skillful family therapist that can help the parent-child relationship. Affirm your love for the child while at the same time upholding the standards and values you expect them to live by. Talk frankly about the risks of sexual activity, and allow your child to be honest about the pressures he/she may be facing. Your child needs to hear you say not only that you are available to talk about this subject, but that you intend to do so regularly. When children understand the boundaries their parents expect (i.e., abstaining from sex until marriage), they are more likely to feel empowered to adhere to these boundaries when under pressure. When boundaries are unclear or wishy-washy, teens will be less likely to adhere. Parents must pursue relationships with their children.

Q: How can I talk to my child about relationships and dating if I am a single parent?

A: In this question I hear the underlying belief that a single parent is not qualified to discuss relationships with their child. Parents should talk to and listen to their children, period. Current research reveals that this generation is more open to their parents' influence. Parents need to talk about their relationship successes and failures honestly with their children in age-appropriate ways. Parents should also model for their children a lifelong quest for self-improvement via reading, going to classes, seminars, meetings, etc. that will improve their own relational functioning. This will increase the parent's confidence level in sharing with his/her children in spite of his/her own mistakes or current relationship status.

Q: What if I don't agree with the sex education my child is receiving in school?

A: Parents need to understand that education is primarily their responsibility, not the school's; therefore, any parent has the right to question curriculum. If what is being taught is contrary to your values as a parent, then 1) have the “what we believe and expect” discussion with your child and 2) go to the teacher, principal, administrator, board or whoever is in charge to voice your concerns. Don't be surprised if you are heard, especially if you can articulate your concerns clearly, respectfully and persistently.

Q: Isn't it better to put our daughter on birth control than to risk her getting pregnant?

A: I think this is dodging the issue. Why don't parents fight for their children's sexual purity rather than automatically concede, under the guise of being "realistic," that they will just have sex anyway? We have such low standards for our children, and believe it or not, many kids are disappointed by this. During the period of adolescence, with the pressures of the culture and peer group, we assume they will give in and we normalize and legitimize it when they do. But many give in reluctantly because they don't believe they have alternatives. Why not research ways and means to teach our children to protect their sexuality until they are with the right person, at the right time, in the right relationship (marriage)? There is plenty of material out today that demonstrates the value of sexual purity and reserving sexual expression for marriage only, and shows parents and teens how to do so. Many assume this is just a religious orientation, but a lot of parents and teens have discovered that this doesn’t HAVE to be about religion. It has everything to do with physical, mental, emotional, psychological and spiritual health. Let's give our children an out, a way to say NO and to save face… not to mention their integrity and their future!