From the Experts

The following is a collection of helpful hints from Vincent Calloway, MSS, LSW. Mr. Calloway is on staff at Amnion and is also a marriage and family therapist in Philadelphia, PA. He and his wife have raised 6 daughters. Vince counsels men, couples and families at Amnion.

Parents: Take note of the differences between maturing boys and maturing girls! The following comparison is adapted from Every Young Woman's Battle:

BOYS: Driven by their physical desires
GIRLS: Driven by their emotional desires

BOYS: Crave physical intimacy
GIRLS: Crave emotional intimacy

BOYS: Stimulated by what they see
GIRLS: Stimulated by what they hear and feel

BOYS: Give “love” to get sex
GIRLS: Give sex to get love

BOYS: Easier time disconnecting body from heart
GIRLS: Body, mind, and heart are intricately connected

The popular media and advertisers have long realized these truths. They've done a great job of profiting from these natural impulses by introducing tight and revealing clothing, nudity on TV, in movies, and in print media, and even pornography that is targeting young people via the Internet.

This not only degrades women, and defines beauty as completely sexual, but it also teaches boys to be predators, rather than protectors, of women.

You may be asking yourself: what can I do, as a parent, to help steer my child through this treacherous maze of negative messaging?

1. You can teach your kids that:

  • Sex and love are not the same thing.
  • There can be love without sex.
  • There can be sex without love.
  • There can be love with sex.
  • You can’t truly “love” someone you don’t know.
  • If you have sex with someone you don’t know you are treating them as an object.

2. You can help your child be aware of the following "red flags" that can in turn help them decide who to date:

  • No respect for authority; no accountability to parents or other authority figures
  • Unresolved family-of-origin issues
  • Any type of deceit; a lack of integrity
  • Lack of healthy same-sex friendships
  • Substance abuse
  • Uncontrolled anger (including passive-aggressive expression)
  • Poor empathy skills
  • History of multiple sex partners
  • Pornography use
  • Laziness; a lack of initiative

3. You can help your child look for the following qualities in a potential mate:

  • Genuine connection with parents or other authority figures
  • Demonstrates restraint and and wisdom
  • Integrity ("talk" and "walk" are consistent with each other)
  • Purpose, direction and passion
  • Emotional maturity
  • Is aware of and is working through any family-of-origin issues
  • Impulse control (i.e., is not ruled by excessive anger, sexual desire, shopping, etc.)
  • Empathy skills (has the desire and ability to see things from another’s point of view and respond accordingly)
  • Conflict management/communication skills

4. You can protect your daughters by making sure any young man who is taking her out understands:

  • You will never be outside of my radar.
  • You will enter into a relationship with her only under our mutually agreed upon boundaries.
  • You will be accountable to me.
  • You will either marry her someday, or the relationship will end with her heart, virginity, and integrity fully intact.